The Bunny Boiler - Chapter 11

You know when you're young listening to music about heartbreak, or watching movies about a girl crying over a cheating boyfriend and singing All By Myself?  And you know how you never truly understand it properly until something like that happens to you?  Well, welcome to my very first break-up.  Except I'm doing none of the above. 

    I tried taking Sofia's advise to watch Bridget Jones' Diary, but it didn't really help. Colin Firth reminded me of Jamie with his curly, dark hair so I switched off at the first sight of the reindeer jumper.  I even tried eating ice cream and cookie dough like they do in American films, but managed to get a brain freeze within the first 30 seconds so promptly gave up on that too.

    My entire morning was spent listening to Christina Aguilera's You Lost Me, hugging my pillow and refusing to do anything.  It only changed because Mikey barged through the front door, past my mum and literally dragged me out of bed. 

    “Put some clothes on now!” he demands.  “Why have you been ignoring my texts?” 

    I look up at his angry face through my teary, blurred vision and almost kick him to leave me alone.  But even lying on the floor with him tugging at my leg is still too much energy.  All I want to do is go to sleep and forget about everything.

    “Why are you ignoring texts?” he demands again. 

    I hear my mum knock gently on the door, checking if everything is OK.  She then loses her temper and shouts, “Turn that music off!  That thing’s been playing on loop for three hours!" and she’s gone again.  Bye Mum!  Don't mind your broken daughter!

    Mikey makes a swift move for the iPod and takes it off the dock.  Christina’s voice is cut off.  A small yelp escapes me as I think of how different things now sound without that as my background track. 

    “You’re being pathetic.  Get up and put some clothes on.  And your top is too big for you.  I can see your boobs,”  I look down to be greeted by them also.  I’m relieved Mikey is gay. 

    “So?” 

    “So what?” 

    “So why haven’t you been replying to texts?  We’ve all been worried,” 

    I adjust my top, rub my eyes and stand up.  Wow.  Haven’t done that in a while. 

    “You also skipped college yesterday,” 

    I slump my shoulders wondering why he’s being so insensitive about it.  Doesn’t he know the world of pain I’m in?  I walk around the room as if testing my legs out for the first time.  I resemble Bambi on ice, but with bushier hair. 

    “I don’t want to look at my phone,” I admit weakly.  “I don’t want to see if Jamie has contacted me, and at the same time I don’t want to see that he hasn’t,” I look up at Mikey who has gained some understanding in his eyes, “D…did you see him yesterday?” 

    “No.  But I saw Kate.  She looked very happy,” 

    “Well, of course she did.  She got what she wanted,” 

    “You cannot let this get to you.  Be the bigger person.  Rise above it and let him see what he lost.  But you can’t do that with pyjamas, unbrushed hair and what I can only imagine is several days’ worth of morning breath,” 

    “I suppose,”  He’s right.  He’s always right, dammit. 

 

I’m dressed pretty quickly, but I refuse to brush my hair.  Eventually Mikey realises it is a losing battle when I wrestle the Tangle Teezer out of his hands and throw it at the other side of the room.  We have now ventured into town in the hope of getting my mind off my failed relationship.  My mum has given me her credit card out of pity and all I’m thinking is how much of a shame it is that she chooses to do so now.  On the day where my mind will be on everything apart from spending.      

    “Let’s buy you some new make-up.  You like make-up,” and I’m quickly rushed into Debenhams faced with the Benefit counter. 

    “I don’t want make-up,” I grunt.

    Mikey analyses my face. “No, but you need it,” 

 

We're now in Starbucks after what I can only describe as an uneventful shopping session.  I honestly don't know why Mikey thought this would help.  I've been walking around like a zombie in my back to front jumper and my tangled hair. 

    Mikey plonks the cappuccino in front of me and in a surly tone asks, "So what exactly is the problem?"

    What?  How can he even ask that?

    I don't reply.  Only throw him a stern look which makes him spill his tea.  That was pretty cool, actually.  I wonder if I have special powers.  Maybe I can make Kate disappear.

    "Jamie is stupid.  Like, really stupid.  Anyone with half a brain can see that Kate is a psycho.  Why would you want to be with someone that stupid?"

    I mope into my cappuccino as I say, "Because I love him.  And because he smells great," and just like that I want to start crying all over again while listening to Christina Aguilera.  I get flashbacks of our time together, smiling, happy and get an overwhelming feeling of anger.  How did this happen?  How did my boyfriend lose faith in me?  What have I done wrong?

    "Mikey?"

    "Yes?"

    "Am I chaotic?"

    "Yes,"

    "Why?"

    "What?"

    "Well, what makes me chaotic?  What do I do that gives that impression?"  I look at him like a child asking their parent a difficult question.

    "It's hard to describe.  You just...are,"

    I sit back in my chair and look out of the window.  I don't mean to be so dramatic.  It just happens. 

    "I'm sure you'll grow out of it,"  Mikey announces and I scowl at him.

    "So I'm not even chaotic in a cute way?"

    "What?  Why are you asking?"

    I take in a deep breath before speaking. "Well, that's how Jamie described me.  He said I get myself into these crazy situations and that I wouldn't be happy without them.  He said all his friends warned him about me,"

    "OK, firstly, don't listen to what his crew of morons say.  They're just jealous.  Have you not seen the way they stare at you?  And secondly, yes, you get yourself into crazy situations, and sometimes it really does feel like it follows you around more than the average person.  Much more, in fact.  But, there's nothing wrong with it," he gives me a sympathetic smile and slurps his tea.  That's as much affection as I'm ever going to get out of him.

    "Am I chaotic in the same way Kate is chaotic?"

    "Definitely not!  Kate is a massive hurricane that creeps up and ruins your life.  You're a gentle landslide, occasionally displacing the odd mountain bear here or there,"

    "Are you the mountain bear?"

    "Yes, I bloody am, Ella.  And it really can be a nightmare with you sometimes.  All this mountain bear wants to do is sleep in his cave, but no, he's never allowed.  He has to go spy on people and buy boats," 

    I can't help but burst out laughing, which is great because I haven't done so in a while. 

    We pause and stare out of the window watching the world go about its day.

    "I'm sure Jamie will come round.  And if he doesn't, well, why would you want to be with someone as fickle as that anyway?" Mikey consoles.

    I nod because I know he's absolutely right.  But it still doesn't mean the pain is any less severe than a few minutes ago.

    "I just want him to see what she's really like.  It hurts that he doesn't believe me,"

    "I know.  He will eventually.  I don't know how she's managed it but she's blinded him and he can't see.  He doesn't have the Bunny Boiler Richter Scale technology that we have,"

    I smile.

    "Things will get better.  You just need to stay out of their way so that Jamie sees you're not out to cause trouble, but that the trouble has been Kate all along.  Just be patient,"

    "I don't think patience is my thing,"  I stare out of the window as my brain starts to plot something.

    "Ella?  What are you thinking?"

    I smile mischievously as I sip my cappuccino.  "Hang on tightly, little bear.  There's a landslide coming," 

    To which Mikey practically has a heart attack.

The Bunny Boiler - Chapter 10

There are certain situations I never imagined I would find myself in.  Stranded in the middle of the Thames with one of my best friends?  Yes, I almost certainly knew something like that would happen.  Tripping up when finally getting back on land and making a fool of myself?  Of course!  It would be weird if that didn't happen.
    But hearing my heart crack and crumble into a tiny million pieces as I watch the guy I love stand in front of me side by side with a girl who has made these last few months a living hell?  No.  I could never see this coming.  This, to me, is a foreign feeling.
    After all, I'm the girl whose essay answer back in Year 11 to 'How do you think Miss Havisham dealt with the heartbreak in Great Expectations?  How would you have reacted in this situation?' started with 'I'd kick his head in before he broke my heart!'
    I feel prickling tears try to break away from my eyes, but I refuse to let them, because despite the fact that I'd completely let my guard down around Jamie, there is no way I would do so when he's so close to Kate.
    "What brings you this way, Jamie?" Tia asks, crossing her arms and glancing once at Kate.  "You don't live near here,"
    "I was going to call you but Kate thinks it's best I do this in person," he turns to look at me.  "Can we talk?"
    Not particularly. 
    "I think I said everything I needed to say to you at the restaurant.  And plus, I have a really busy afternoon planned,"
    "Ella, I've found you in the middle of the Thames.  What exactly had you planned for the afternoon?"  I'm about to answer but he carries on.  "And why the hell have you got a boat?"
    "I've been planning on getting a boat for ages.  You know I have,"
    He puts his hands on his waist and turns away from me, shaking his head as he looks at the ground.  "The first I heard about this boat idea was a few days ago when you started going loopy at the restaurant!" he snaps, but must have noticed my startled expression because he immediately calms down and says, "Look, can we just walk along a bit and talk privately?  Please."
    My head screams no.  I know exactly what he's here to do.  We broke up at the restaurant but I suppose it never felt official enough.  And now he's here to make sure I know it's over, so that he feels no guilt when he starts seeing Kate again.  I know this.  I know this is exactly what he's going to say because sadly, I've been rehearsing this conversation since we parted ways.
    I start to walk ahead along the Thames footpath.  He tries to catch up with me, but I only speed up.
    "Ella, take this seriously!" he shouts.
    But I don't listen.
    I don't have to listen.
    He's the one who's not taking this seriously.  He's the one who's given up.  He's the one who refuses to see what Kate is doing.
    "Ella," he says, running a little to catch up with me.  When he finally does, he grabs my right arm and stops me in my tracks.  His eyebrows furrow as his eyes melt into sadness.  "I don't want this to end,"  he whispers.
    And I almost believe him.
    Until I catch a glimpse of Kate in the distance talking to Tia.
    I snatch my arm away from him.  "Why are you here with her?"
    "Oh Ella, there's no need to be jealous.  She's been a good friend since she heard about you and me.  She's not as bad as you think.  In fact, she told me she doesn't think you and I should break up,"
    "Jamie, how can you be this dumb?  She's playing a game.  Anyone can see that.  Have you completely forgotten about everything she did?"
    "I know," he begins, sweeping a hand through his hair as if he's exhausted.
    But I continue,  "How well did our first date go?  Remember the unexpected visitor we had?  What sane person has a tantrum in the middle of a restaurant?  Who cries loudly in front of everyone because their ex is having dinner with someone else?  Come on, Jamie!"
    "You can't blame her for that.  Her and I had just broken up and she still loved me.  We didn't have to flaunt this in her face,"
    "What?  We didn't flaunt anything.  In fact, we kept it a secret for ages so that we didn't upset her,"
    He doesn't respond.
    I take off my jacket.  The sun, mixed with the rage seems to have caused an inferno in me.  If I don't walk away, I will burn.  I start to move away from him, letting the cool wind fly against my skin.  I should keep walking.  I really should keep walking.
    But I don't.
    "You've forgotten about the baby incident,"
    He looks up confused. "The what?"
    "When Kate pretended to be pregnant with your child.  Remember when she told her parents and came to see you at your house?"  I look into his eyes, and for a split second I start to think he's back on my side.  But the second gets blown away with the wind and I'm left fighting on my own.
    "She phoned me later that evening and apologised about everything," he tells me quietly.
    "You talked to her?  You never told me this," I walk towards him, needing to know more information.
    "Am I supposed to tell you everything?" he retorts.
    "No," I say calmly, far too hurt at his response.  "But I thought you would have told me that,"
    And suddenly everything makes sense.  It now makes perfect sense why Kate never gave up on Jamie and why she persisted so much.  If they were having forgiving conversations every time she did something wrong, then no wonder she kept fighting back with more.
    "Why are you crying?" he asks.
    Crying?  I hadn't even noticed.  I wipe away the uncontrollable tears from my face, and try to regain myself.
    "Why are you crying?" Jamie asks again, as if the answer is such a mystery.
    "Because my boyfriend has been having private conversations with his psycho ex and I've had no idea about them," my attempt to control the tears has backfired, because as soon as I try to hold them back, a flood gate opens.  And I can't seem to stop.
    "Please, don't cry," he says, wrapping me up in his arms.  I let him, but then push him away with force.  The tears finally stop when I see him lying there on the dusty path, lifting himself up and brushing away the dirt from his jeans.  I didn't realise I had so much strength. 
    "You have no idea how difficult it's been for me!"  I shout.  "She has made it unbearable,"
    "Oh please!" he retaliates, "Don't tell you haven't loved every bit of it.  You wouldn't have been happy if there wasn't some drama involved!" he pauses, looks ahead into the water and then back at me.  "My friends warned me to stay away from you,"
    Whatever I said earlier about my heart breaking wasn't real, because that pain was nothing compared to this.
    "What's that supposed to mean?" I ask like a scolded child who just wants to go home.
    "You're a complete drama queen, Ella.  You create crazy situations for yourself.  You're too chaotic to handle sometimes,"
    "Name one crazy situation I've got myself into?" I stubbornly (and stupidly) ask.
    Jamie points to the river.  "Do I need to remind you that I've just rescued you from the middle of the Thames?"
    I look away, knowing too well I shouldn't have asked the question.
    "A week ago you chased a dog through the park trying to catch him and return him back to the owner,"
    "I was trying to be helpful,"
    "Ella.   The dog was running away from you!"
    I don't see how that matters.
    "And anyway," he pauses again and looks behind at Kate.  "I've been meaning to mention this for ages.  You can't keep throwing up the pregnancy thing because if I remember correctly didn't you and Mikey start the whole thing?"
    "What?  How?"
    "You turned up at her house pretending you were a nurse from the local clinic, and then told her family she had chlamydia!"
    "Gonorrhoea," I correct quietly.  "And anyway, that wasn't part of the plan.  Mikey and I got startled because her sister opened the front door.   It made more sense to pretend we were nurses than to lie down on the grass like we had been,"
    "See?  This is what I'm talking about!  Normal people don't hang around houses!"
    "And normal people don't pretend they're pregnant!"
    But despite it all, he still doesn't see.  I have no idea what's happened to make him revolt against me, but I know that I'm fighting a losing battle.  Kate has stuck her bunny boiler paws right into him and there's nothing I can do to reverse it.
    He lets out a sigh.  "Let's just go back to mine and forget about everything.  OK?"
    But I can't forget.  "Jamie, you've just been telling me how I'm crazy and chaotic and how your friends warned you about me.  You've had nothing nice to say, and yet all you've been doing is defending Kate.  You don't know!!!  You really don't know that she's a manipulative bitch who used and abused Giles to make you jealous!"
    He sneers at my words and quickly dismisses them.  "Kate came to me crying when Giles broke up with her.  So there's some news for you, Ella!"
    I could scream!  I could grab him, shake him furiously, smack him around the head a couple of times, and scream!
    "Giles didn't break up with her!  She broke up with him!  Mikey and I witnessed the whole thing.  You're never going to believe this but I saw the two of them when I was looking for a boat in Brighton.  Giles wanted to book a cruise for them, and she stomped on his heart by telling him she was only with him to make you jealous," I pause to look at Jamie's reaction, but so far, his face is blank.  "I don't know what sort of spell she's cast over you, but snap out of it,"  I cross my arms and turn around staring straight ahead at the river's southern route.  The breeze has calmed down, but the April sun still blazes.
    "I don't believe you.  Even if that is true, how do you expect me to believe that Kate would have blurted that out in front of you?"
    Damn!  I don't want to answer because I know exactly where this is leading.
    "She didn't know we were there," I quietly respond.
    "And why's that?" he moves closer, quizzing me.  I'm too shy to look up.
    "Because we were spying on them," and before I even get the chance to finish the sentence, Jamie's gone.  He's already started walking away with heavy strides along the path.  "Where are you going?" I yell after him, almost tripping trying to catch up.
    He abruptly turns around which makes me knock into him.  "You really have no idea how much I love you, Ella.  But you've really proved to be the crazy one here, not Kate,"
    He strides away again.
    I don't follow this time.  Just stay back staring with sorrowed eyes as I watch him take Kate by the hand and walk away.
    Nope.  Never saw this coming.

The Bunny Boiler - Chapter 9

...Just a little bit more and I've got it...and...there!
    I pull the tiny rowing boat back towards the river bank with all my might and breathe a huge sigh of relief.  Apparently, there is a reason why you're supposed to tie them up and not leave them loose on the river.
    "Got it back. It's ready,"  I shout over at Tia who is lazily sitting on the grass, sunbathing.  "Thanks for all your help!" I input.
    She pulls up her sunglasses so they sit above her eyes and looks at me nonplussed.  "You go on it and I'll take pictures," she says, letting the sunglasses fall back on her nose.
    For a second I actually think that her idea is rather a good one.  I always go on about how we should photograph our adventures more, but one look at my tiny red and white boat, a glance at the heavy paddles, and a gaze at the mass of water, and I go back to my original idea.
    "Tia!  I can't do this on my own.  Please, get in the boat and steer!"
    "Steer what?"
    Well, she's got me there.  "The river?"  I attempt defeated.  She looks at me with confusion before getting up from her spot. 
    "Are you going to hold on to that rope all day?"
    "I don't want it drifting off again,"
    In a huff she takes off her shoes and starts to roll up her trousers.  "Why did you buy a boat anyway?  Are you having a Quarter Life Crisis?"
    "No, I don't plan on having one till I'm at least 22,"  I respond.  She looks up at me mid trousers roll-up with yet another confused look.
    Honestly, like buying a boat is so strange!  People do it all the time.  Like in that episode of Friends where Joey buys a boat and Rachel tries to help him learn, but she ends up shouting and realises that she's turned out like her father.  I wonder what my realisation will be on my boat.  I hope it's a good one.  You know, not too life changing like realising I'm a lesbian.  But also not too mediocre like realising I've left the GHD's on.
    Actually, did I leave my GHD's plugged in?
    "Ella?"
    "Yes?"
    "How are we getting on it?"
    Oh, I hadn't really thought of that.  I was hoping we'd be able to simply walk on it, but the way the boat is bobbing up and down the river I don't think we can. 
    "I'll hold on to the rope, you get in.  Then I'll let go of the rope and jump in also,"  I say, full of optimism.
    Tia puts both hands on her hips to tell me that there's no way she's doing that.
    "Fine!  I'll go in first," I say, handing over the rope.  "I don't know why you're so frightened.  This'll be easy," and I immediately regret my words. 
    Because in actual fact I have no idea how I'm going to do this.  The boat refuses to stay in one place, and the moment I think I have the perfect distance to get on, it moves.  But I have to do this.  It's vitally important that I get on this boat.  I have to show Jamie that I'm a very serious person, and I have to show Kate that she cannot win no matter how severe her Bunny Boiler tantrums are.  I don't know how this will do that, but I'm positive it's a start. 
    Right.  3... 2... 1...GO!  Nope, still not on the boat.  OK, this time I will definitely jump in.  3... 2.... 1... 1 and a half... 1 and a quarter... 1 and...
    Damn!  I wish I was better at fractions!
    .... 1 and 20%... 1 and 15%... 1 and...
    "Get on the boat!"
    One foot drops in followed by the other one, and with a heavy fall as both feet refuse to balance, and a loud 'Ouch', I'm in the boat.  Yay!  I made it!
    A second later, Tia's in there with me.  I look at her in annoyance.  "Why was that so easy for you?"
    "Oh, we go on boats all the time when we're down in Chichester," she says sitting down opposite me.
    "So, you could have helped?"
    "I could have.  But it does mean I wouldn't have been able to get these amazing photos," she brings out her phone whilst giggling.
    Oh thanks a bloody bunch! 
    I grab the phone off her.  Actually, some of these photos are incredibly flattering.  I think the April sun does wonders for my complexion.  Oh, hang on.  This one's not so great.  It must have been taken when I was trying to do fractions. 
    I hand the phone back.  "Right," I say with a beaming smile, looking ahead at the grand river, "where shall we go?"
    "Chertsey,"
    "What?  No!  We're not going to another town!  I was thinking more a choice between The Swan or The Weir,"
    "We can't go to either pub.  We're seventeen,"
    "We're not going to go inside!  I'm using them as locations,"
    "Oh.  Let's go to The Swan then," she jolts her head about in both directions, "there seem to be less swans over there.  Ironically,"
    "To The Swan it is,"  the current has already taken us quite a way from the river bank.  At this rate, perhaps we'll end up in Chertsey after all. 
    I'm about to grab a paddle and start our journey, and then I realise both paddles are still on the grass.
    Shit!
    This is really bad.  And also not the sort of realisation I was hoping for.

    "Move the water away from you a bit faster, Tia.  We're never going to make it back with you using only your fingers!"  I say as I dip my hands in the water again to make the boat move.  This theory worked for a little bit.  But then we got tired, and now we're pretty much just sitting there trying to keep the sun from our faces.  I feel lost at sea. 
    "I knew I should have said no to helping you.  There clearly was a reason Mikey was conveniently busy.  He knows you far too well by now,"
    I roll my eyes.  "Mikey's in Oxford at a uni induction day.  He would have killed for the chance to be here,"
    "You're very testy today," Tia's looking at me like a mother pitying a child who writes S instead of 2.  I almost feel like she'll say, "Don't worry, pet.  You'll get it eventually,"
    But she doesn't.  Instead she says, "If you want Jamie, you have to call him.  You can't carry on being this stubborn,"
    "I'm not stubborn!"  I say, crossing my arms and looking away into the distance.  "And anyway, I texted him a couple of days ago telling him I have a boat.  He didn't reply,"  I look down at my feet, far too scared that if I make eye contact with Tia, I'll cry.  We sit there in silence, but it's as if I can hear her thoughts.  Because I know for a fact we're both thinking the same thing - I've lost him. 
    "Oh well," I say and force a smile.
    "Ella, you don't have to pretend that it's all fine,"
    "But it is fine.  It's not as if I'm married to him and we're about to have a messy divorce, and kids are involved, and we have to decide who gets the good coffee machine.  I'm 17.  I think I'll manage," I laugh a little and hope to God that I'm right.  "Now paddle, please!"
    We're about to start all over again, but I hear something.  "Is someone saying my name?"  I ask, looking around but not spotting anything.  We stop splashing and have a listen.
    "Ella!" 
    "Did you hear that?" I say to Tia, looking around furiously.  And then I spot him. My heart flutters as I see him standing by the river smiling at me.  And then it sinks completely.  Because standing next to him, is Kate.

The Bunny Boiler - Chapter 8

I wipe the thick cream off my nose with my thumb as I put down the cappuccino.  Mikey looks at me across the small, round, mahogany table and asks, "Plan of action?"
    Well, there isn't one.  But I don't want to tell him this.  I have a feeling he'll walk out of the cafe dramatically and get the next train back to Surrey, probably mouthing, "Why do I let her drag me into these situations?"
    "My plan is to buy a boat," I announce.  I hear him huff, settle down his tea and cast his eyes towards me angrily. 
    "You can't buy a boat!"
    "Why not?"
    "You're 17.  You don't know how to operate one.  You have nowhere to keep it..."
    I'm about to bring up the whole 'I live near the Thames.  I can see a bit of the river from my bedroom window' argument again, but I know it'll only fall on deaf ears.
    "...you can barely look after yourself.  I mean, you thought an umpire was the plural of empire..."
    Anyone would have made that mistake.
    "...you get bored easily and by next week the boat will be forgotten and you'll want your own theme park or something..."
    I mentally make a note of the theme park idea.  I did always have expansion plans for Thorpe Park.
    "....you have exams coming up and need to concentrate on those - not learn to drive a bloody boat.  By September you're moving to Guildford..."
    There's a river there too, you know.
    "...you're only doing this to prove something to Jamie because the two of you broke up last night.  You're hurt and you're not thinking straight..."
    My heart sinks a little as I think of Jamie.
    "...and most importantly, boats are expensive.  You don't have a job.  You don't have any money.  Your purse contains £3.62 and a chocolate button!"
    I look up at him awkwardly, "Actually, I ate the chocolate button,"
    He shakes his head and I immediately feel like this is a scene from Will and Grace.  "Why am I not surprised!" he drinks his tea.
    "Well, there's no harm in looking at the Marina," I tell him.  "We came all the way to Brighton.  We can't spend the entire day in Starbucks,"
    "Fine," he says drinking the rest of his tea.  "Maybe we'll get lucky and find a boat for under £3.62,"

It's raining.  Heavily.  The large chunks of water droplets are propelling themselves towards us with maximum force, and as we make the short walk from the cafe to the boats, we are completely soaked.  We might as well have jumped in the sea and hijacked a boat from there.  That way, at least I saved my £3.62.

    "I'm concerned," Mikey says as he uses his jacket as an umbrella to protect his perfectly styled, blond hair.
    "What concerns you, my lovely?"
    "Number one, your mental health, obviously,"
    "Obviously,"
    "But number two, isn't that Giles over there?"
    My head darts in the direction that Mikey's finger is pointing to.  There, on the other end of the marina stands Giles.
    "What's he doing here?" I whisper, despite the fact that he's completely out of earshot.
    "I have no idea, but he can't see me here.  He'll only tell my mum that I'm in Brighton.  And let's face it, she'll take one look at my CD collection, put 2 and 2 together and be upset that I haven't come out to her yet,"
    "You're over-reacting.  He's only a distant cousin anyway,"
    "His mother and my mother are sisters!"
    "Ah,"
    "My mum's going to think I'm gay!"  He starts rubbing his temples as the rain ruins his hair.
    "I'm sure she's guessed by now.  I mean, she has met you,"
    "Do you think you're helping?"
    "No?"
    "No.  No, you're not!" and the jacket is thrown back over his head.

Giles on his own would have been fine, but it was the appearance of Kate a few minutes later that really jolted us.  She was wearing a white summer dress, despite the awful weather, and was making her way to the little boat shop that Giles had now entered. 
    "Let's go in," I tell Mikey making a move for the entrance.  But he grabs my jacket and pulls me back.
    "Why?"
    "To find out what they're doing here,"
    He starts shaking his head as if unable to comprehend," Why??" he says again.
    "Aren't you at all curious why they're in Brighton? Mikey, this is Kate, Jamie's psycho ex.  We have to know what her and Giles are up to,"
    Mikey appears to be understanding me a little more now. 
    "It's very strange," I continue, "who comes to Brighton unexpectedly?"
    He eyes me up and down and I can tell he's seconds away from going on another rant of how I've gone insane, how I'm such a child, blah blah blah. 
    "Our situation is different," I tell him before he gets the chance to start shouting, "We are here to buy a boat,"
    "They'll see us if we go in there.  That place looks tiny,"
    "Not if we're very careful,"
    "But -,"  I sometimes have no idea why Mikey argues back so much.  He knows this is happening whether he likes it or not.  You'd have thought he's learnt his lesson by now.
    He huffs and stomps his feet as he follows me towards the shop.

Kate and Giles are at the till talking to an old, weather-beaten man who looks ridiculously like Captain Birdseye.  So Mikey and I head to the other end just behind a pillar, where posters of cruise ship holidays have been scattered messily all over the wall.  Luckily, we can hear every word.
    "I've been thinking of taking my girlfriend on a long holiday this summer," I hear Giles explain. 
    Yes, please take her.  Take her far, far away.  And lose her.  Please, try your best to get her kidnapped by pirates.  She's nothing special so the ransom request won't be very much.
    "Maybe Antigua.  A lovely sailing holiday around there would be splendid," Captain Birdseye suggests.  I hear Kate giggle at the thought like a child.  "When are you two lovebirds thinking of leaving?"
    "Beginning of July," Giles responds.
    "But we'll definitely have to come back late September for university," Kate puts in. 
    I'm reminded of Jamie again and how he'll be at Edinburgh with Kate in Autumn.  My heart sinks a little more. 
    "I'm really looking forward to uni, you know," she tells Giles excitedly, and I don't know how - perhaps because I've learnt Kate's mental thought process so well these last few months - but I know she's only suddenly excited because Jamie will now be there too. 
    "I'll come and visit you all the time," Giles says.
    "Yes," she says straight away, lacking enthusiasm. 
    There's deep silence for a few minutes as Captain Birdseye hands out a few leaflets and brochures about upcoming sailing holidays.  We hear a few "Ooo, that looks lovely" and "How about this one, babe?" but nothing interesting is really happening.  I'm beginning to regret following them in here.  I could have bought my boat by now.  And this wall is getting dull.  I've read "Cruise through four seasons in four weeks for just £99" thirteen times now. 
    "I'll leave you to read those through.  I'll just be in there if you need me," Captain Birdseye tells them before entering a hidden away room at the back.
    "I love the look of this one.  We should go for it," Giles confirms to Kate.  We hear him waving a brochure about.
    "Oh, but that's until mid October,"
    "I know, but term doesn't start properly until then, so you'll only miss Fresher's Week,"
    "No, no!  I don't want to miss anything.  I want to get to Edinburgh as soon as I can!" she snaps.  Uh oh, I can feel the Bunny Boiler Richter Scale starting to increase a little.
    "I know, babe, but this is a great deal and it would be a shame to miss it,"
    "I'm going to Edinburgh when I'm supposed to, not when it suits you!!  Do you understand?" she shouts at him.  Loudly.  Captain Birdseye emerges from his retreat. 
    "A problem?" he asks.
    "Oh, nothing.  Sorry about that," Giles smiles and apologises, so he hides back in his room.  He turns to Kate in a soothing tone, "At least think about it, babe,"
    "I don't need to think about it!! This relationship won't last until then anyway!!!" she screams.  "Erggh! I can't even believe it's lasted this long!"
    "Umm...what?" Giles sounds hurt.
    "I only got with you to make Jamie jealous.  I expected him to come crawling back to me weeks ago, but he's still with that bitch!"
    I'm about to go and strangle her, but Mikey holds on to me.  "Stay calm," he whispers.
    "But now that Jamie's going to Edinburgh as well, Ella won't be around and it will be so much easier to make him mine again," she says this like she's so proud with herself. 
    "Oh," he's practically whispering. 
    "So I probably won't go on this holiday anyway.  Now that I think about it, it's just time wasted in not trying to win Jamie back,"
    Die! 
    Die Die Die!
    Seconds later we hear the bell above the front door jingle.  Giles has stormed out.  Kate sets down the brochures and walks out calmly into the heavy rain.
    "Bloody hell," I say to Mikey.
    "I can't believe that," he responds, his mouth wide open from the shock.  "I honestly thought she'd caught the bait properly when we set her up with Giles,"
    I look around the shop again wondering what my next step should be.  Do I tell Jamie about this?  Will he even believe me?  He'll just think it's some sort of way of getting him to stay in Surrey rather than move to Scotland. 
    "What are you going to do now?" Mikey asks me, but there's no time to reply because Captain Birdseye has emerged again and is smiling at us.
    "Can I help you with anything?" he asks.

    "Do you sell boats?" I reply without even thinking.

    "We do,"

    "Roughly how much is your average one?"

    "Well, they range from a few thousands to a few hundred.  Our cheapest rowing boat is £150,"

    "I'll take it,"

    Queue gasp from Mikey.

    "It's a little more costly if we have to deliver it,"
    "That's not a problem.  I still want it,"
    "Wonderful,"
    I can sense Mikey wants to shout at me so I walk a little bit away from him and get out my phone.  Before I have a chance to change my mind, I start typing: 'I told you I was going to buy a boat!' and off the message flies to Jamie.

The Bunny Boiler - Chapter 7

    "Did you hear what I said?"
    "Aha," I look down at the half eaten fishcakes on my plate and push them around with my fork.
    "I thought you'd have more to say, that's all,"
    Oh, darling! I have plenty to say, trust me. This is just the calm before the storm.
    "I want you to come with me,"
    "Aha,"
    "Ella?"
    "Yes?"
    "Are you even listening to me?"
    "Of course,"
    "Then say something," Jamie's hand reaches out across the table and faintly touches mine.  He furrows his dark eyebrows, and with a look of worry asks, "What are you thinking?"
    My eyes fling about the room for some form of inspiration, because he's not ready yet for what I'm actually thinking.  I spot a woman with nautical shoes. 
    "I want a boat,"
    "...what?"
    "Nothing big.  Just something to go up and down the Thames in on a Sunday morning,"
    "Umm..."
    "Not a barge though.  I don't like crouching,"
    He starts looking around the tables next to us as if checking if anyone else has spotted my abrupt insanity.
    "And they're always a funny green colour,"
    "Yes.  But let's go back to what we were originally talking ab-"
    "Maybe a yacht.  I quite like the idea of over-sized sunglasses and a beach hat whilst sunbathing.  They did a few fashion pages of that look in last month's Elle,"
    "You want a yacht?"
    "Aha,"
    "Where would you put it?"
    "I live near the Thames,"
    "OK,"
    "I can see a bit of the river from my bedroom window.  I'll just keep an eye on the yacht every now and again,"
    "OK," he takes another mouthful of his food, and I wonder whether now is the best time for my wrath to show. 
    No, I'll let it simmer for a bit longer. 
    I look up at him from my swig of Diet Coke and throw him a bitterly sweet smile. 
    I knew he was going to drop a bombshell on me as soon as he mentioned going out to a nice restaurant.  Jamie was hardly that guy when we were first dating - let alone now that it's been six months.  But I let all these negative thoughts sit at the back of my mind, ignoring the niggling feeling, desperately hoping that I'd be wrong and tonight would just be a regular night out. 
    "When are you buying this boat then?" he asks. 
    "Tomorrow,"
    I see him nod slowly with a faint smile on his face.
    "From where?"
    "Umm...Brighton,"
    "I see.  And with what money?"
    "My money," I say really quickly, sensing the mocking tone in his voice. 
    "You're being silly,"
    "It's not like I'm buying a cruise ship!"
    "Yes, you're right.  It all makes perfect sense now," he raises an eyebrow at me and turns his head away.
    I think it's time to let it all out, don't you!
    "So, you've decided to go to uni in Edinburgh?" I cross my arms and legs and lean back on the chair, waiting for him to answer.
    "Yes,"
    "Isn't that also where Kate is going?" I ask, averting my eyes away from him.  I hear a loud sigh as he leans on the table. 
    "That shouldn't matter," he says softly. "I've asked you to come with me,"
    "Firstly, it matters greatly.  And secondly, I can't just drop the life I've planned just because you've changed your plan so last minute,"
    "I only found out recently I'd been accepted.  I can't turn down that opportunity.  And this has nothing to do with Kate.  She's over me now.  She's with Giles, remember?"
    Of course I remember.  That relationship was all part of me and Mikey's plan, but unfortunately it never really worked.  Despite the fact that Kate is no longer single, you'd be a fool not to realise that she's still madly in love with Jamie.  Those longing looks as he walks past are still apparent, and even though she smiles at me now when I see her, I can tell that inside she's thinking, "Why don't you just spontaneously combust?"
    "Would you be comfortable if my ex went to the same university as me?" I ask him, trying to make my point.
    He sneers a little as he thinks about this, "I don't think I'd care,"
    "Really?" I begin.  "You'd be comfortable with the fact that on nights out drinking, he'll always be around?  That he'd be the one comforting me when I'm missing you, or the one I go to when I don't do so well in an exam?"
    Jamie looks at the floor before flicking his eyes at me.  "I'd be absolutely fine with that," he forces through gritted teeth.
    "You'd be absolutely fine knowing this guy is still in love with your girlfriend and would do anything to get her back?"
    "OK!" he says a little too loudly.  We pause the argument for a bit until all the heads of strangers avert back to minding their own business.  "I hate that thought.  It makes me physically sick," he says, throwing down his napkin as if he's about to storm out.  "But I love you, Ella.  I trust you completely.  And I like to think you trust me too,"
    "Of course I trust you," I say.  "But I don't trust her!"
    He nods his head as if understanding.  It's that thing all guys do - they pretend to sympathise with your feelings, but in reality they won't change their plans, no matter how much it hurts you. 
    "We talked about this, Jamie.  You were supposed to go to Royal Holloway so you'd be near Surrey uni," I tell him as if pleading for him to change his mind.  "And I've seen maps.  Scotland is like another country,"
    He lets his head hang and rubs the back of his neck.  "I've asked you to come with me," he finally says.
    "NO!" I snap.  "I won't re-route my life to suit you!"
    "Well, you still have time to think about it," he says, leaning back on his chair.
    "I'm not coming to Edinburgh, Jamie,"
    "Fine!"
    "FINE!" I snap again and get up to leave the restaurant, furiously searching my phone for Mikey's number.

The blue Ford Focus pulls up along the pavement, one wheel on the kerb.
    "Get in," Mikey mouths from the car, so I rise from the edge of the wall I'm sitting on and wipe the tears from my cheeks.  I climb in, throwing the fluffy cushion sitting comfortably in the front seat, in the back.
    "What on earth is this?" I say, looking at the lilac fluff with confusion.
    "My mum put it in here," he defends.
    "OK," I say, unconvinced. 
    "So you just walked out without paying?" he asks me as the car starts moving.
    "Yes, but I don't feel guilty because I need the money,"
    "What for?"
    "I'm buying a boat tomorrow,"
    "Cool,"

Even The Hopeless Dater Falls In Love

I've only been in love once.

I was on a dirty mini bus on the way to Fowey in Cornwall, sitting on the second row in a seat which contained a seat belt held together by selotape.  If we crash, I will die in waterproof clothing from Millets and the world will never know that I own a pair of Marc Jacobs shoes.
    I can hear the faint mumblings of the two girls next to me, but I'm not interested in hearing the universities that they're planning to go to, or the cheesy quotes they've selected for their personal statements. "I am that second mouse!" - as if no lecturer will have watched Catch Me If You Can?!
    I should probably socialise - after all, I have 3 more days of searching the coast line for sea anemones and limpets.  But for now I'm content with drinking my service station coffee and watching the countryside roll on by.  It's a proud moment for me.  This time around I only required 4 sugars instead of the usual 8.  This, and the fact that tomorrow I will be exactly 17 and 4 months, means that I must now be an adult.
   
    We arrive in Wadebridge, in some grotty car park with crude graffiti surrounding it.  I turn to Phil and ask him what some of the rude words mean.  I've deduced that he's definitely the best person to ask since last night his vocabulary consisted entirely of "I'm Phil Meak. Check out my 9 inch freak."
    But he just laughs. 
    "Get out of Surrey once in a while," he tells me.  "It'll do you a world of good," 
    I have.  I'm in Cornwall!

    We're only in Wadebridge because the teachers promised to buy us a drink at a pub.
    I'm perched on a corner seat drinking my Diet Coke because I'm the only one under 18.  I'm gazing at the other girls as they sip their vodka limes with ease.  The thought of it makes me feel sick, but little do I know that less than a year later I'd be barricading myself under the kitchen table finishing a whole bottle of JD while my housemates throw soggy toilet paper at the 3rd years. 
    "Are you cold?" the male teacher asks me. 
    "I'm always cold," I tell him.
    He nods with a smile and turns away.
    Lilly leans in.  Her alcoholic breath tickling my ear.  "He fancies you," she tells me.
    I might believe her if she didn't say this about every single boy/man/animal that glanced my way.
    "He does not!" I protest. 
    "He's nice to you and horrible to everyone else.  What does that tell you?"
    "That you're all horrible and I'm the only lovely one?"
    "OK.  Forget the teacher.  What about Jamie?"
    I look to the other side of the table where Jamie is sitting.  He's listening to some revolting, girl related story that Phil is telling him, and with his left hand he is pulling the zip of his jacket up and down as if along to some imaginary music.
    "Stop it!" I snap. 
    His head jerks my way and his brown eyes narrow. 
    "Don't be a spoilt, little girl," he tells me.
    As you can probably guess, we don't get on. 
    I get an urge to throw my Diet Coke at him, but I stop myself.  Once is enough.

   
    "Lilly wants this beaker filled with water," I grunt at Jamie as I shove the scratched, plastic container towards him. 
    He puts down his folder on the sandy shore and looks at me.  "Where am I supposed to get water from?"
    "The river," I say, indicating to the glistening mass of water in the distance. 
    "Firstly," he snatches the beaker from my hand, "That's the sea, and secondly, why can't you do it?"
    I'm about to say it's because I'm a girl, but realise that it's not really a winning argument. 
    "Just go and fill it up in the river," I say, trying to walk away.  The wind whistles loudly in my ears and brutally carries sand in my direction.  I rub my eyelids when the granules reach my eyes. 
    "It's THE SEA!" Jamie yells.
    I'm not in the mood for this.  I turn to see if either of the teachers are nearby but I can just about make one of them out on the other side of the sand mound. 
    "It's an estuary!  Therefore, it's a river!" I practically scream.  He's been a grating, little annoyance the entire trip and I cannot stand it any longer.  "I'll just do it myself!" I say, grabbing the beaker from his clutch and furiously making my way towards the rippling water. 
    "Oh, come back.  It's a lot further than it looks," he says, his sandy footsteps following mine. 
    But I'm far too stubborn for my own good and carry on.  My legs have never moved this fast, and yet my destination is not getting any closer. 
    "Stop," Jamie is yelling after me. 
    I do stop.
    I turn around and throw the beaker.
    It hits his shoulder before rolling onto the sand, swaying to and fro in the breeze.
    "You are such a stupid, little girl," he tells me.  But I stand there motionless.  I feel too angry to argue back.  "Get over your stubbornness!"  He starts moving closer.  My feet stay rooted on the spot.  "You'd be a lot bloody happier if you just listened once in a while,"
    "I don't like you," I say calmly.
    But Jamie says nothing.  He's standing a few inches away looking down at me, catching his breath from the screaming.  He moves a little closer.
    It's odd - I've never noticed that his hair has golden shades to it in the sunshine.  Nor have I noticed that his nose is dotted with light freckles.
    His lips move in closer as if searching for mine.
    Please don't kiss me, I think.  I don't deal well with being kissed. 
    But his lips trace my jaw line, then my cheek, until finally resting on my forehead.  He kisses me.  My entire thought process has escaped me.  All I know is that my hands are cold and there may be some algae in my hair.
    "Well, that's really a bloody shame, isn't it," he declares, and walks away.

I watch his silhouette as it fades in the distance and think of what just happened.  My feet move forward a little.  This is odd.  I've never been this tongue-tied before.  Perhaps I should check for concussion.
How many fingers am I holding up?
3.
What day is it?
Wednesday.
What can you tell me about yourself?
Hi, I'm Ella Ivey.  Tomorrow I will be 17 and 4 months, and today, I fell in love.

The Bunny Boiler - Chapter 6

I've been twiddling with my thumbs for a while now trying to figure out how I should get back at Kate.  But everything that comes into my head I have to quickly dismiss with an 'oops, already used that revenge plan' or 'no, Jamie will certainly never forgive me for that if he found out'. 

    The difference this time around is that there is no way on earth that Jamie can find out about this.  His words always echo in my head, and I should do the right thing and be a grown-up about this - but I cannot. 

    Kate has been a vile infection for a while now and I cannot ignore it any longer.  This time, I have to get rid of it for good. 

    "So, what's the latest plan?" Mikey says as he sits down next to me in the library. 

    I look down at my messy scribbles and try to make out the hateful thoughts I have written. 

    But nothing makes sense and out of pure frustration I scrunch up the piece of paper into a tight ball and flick it to the other side of the table.  It stops at the edge and stares at me as if mocking my brain's failed attempt at revenge. 

    "Maybe you should take this as a sign to let things be," Mikey very unhelpfully suggests.

    I glare at him for a couple of seconds before my head falls ever so elegantly in my hands and I grunt in irritation. 

    I hear a loud shushing noise coming from the librarians, which I ignore completely and carry on,

    "It's been a week and I haven't thought of anything!  What's wrong with me?"

    "Well, quite a few things actually," he attempts a smile. 

    I turn towards Mikey with big, brown eyes as if pleading for his help. 

    "I can't let her get away with all this.  Jamie doesn't understand because he doesn't see the way she looks at me or the things she says.  I'm tired of having someone watching my every move.  I hate that my relationship is so cloudy because that awful excuse of a human being cannot let things go,"  I take in a deep breath and try to stop my emotions from getting too carried away.  The last thing I need right now is to cry in front of all these people.  I'm wearing Benefit BadGal mascara, for goodness' sake.  What a waste of money crying would be.

    Mikey pats me on the shoulder.  Sympathetically, he smiles and grabs the scrunched up ball of paper.

    "Let's go over some of these, shall we?  There might be a diamond amongst all this roughness,"

    To begin with, I didn't think much of Mikey's plan.  It seemed so infantile compared to some of the things I kept coming up with, but now the more I think about it, the more it's growing on me.  According to him my plan of arranging a trip to Cornwall and shoving her out of the car while on the M3 was a tad extreme. 

    But despite my zealous ideas, we managed to make something that works.

    "Kate! Kate!" I call after her as we run up the stairs of the Science building. 

    At first she looks perplexed by the optimism in my voice, and I think at one point her eyes scanned my hands to make sure I wasn't carrying a knife.  Her constipated look soon turned to one of anger.

    "What do you want?" she practically screams before she turns on her heel and enters the corridor. 

    I follow.

    "Look, I think it's about time I apologise about everything that has gone on these last few months,"

    Kate's jaw drops.  She spins around just before she's about to push open the door to her classroom.  But she says nothing - she just looks at me as if she's begging me to continue. 

    So I oblige. 

    "I was completely in the wrong for what happened with Jamie.  I'm sorry.  You've been right about it all along,"

    At the other end of the corridor behind me I can hear Jamie's jaw click shut, along with the animated whispers coming from the rest of our classmates. 

    Kate leans against the wall, arms crossed.  Her limp, sallow hair sweeps like straw across her forehead. 

    "I still hate you," she says.

    I force a smile.  "That's fine.  But perhaps we can be civil with each other.  In fact, I have a brilliant idea.  Why don't you join us at Mikey's on Saturday night?  It'll be fun,"

    My smile becomes so sweet that it begins to taste bitter. 

    Kate nods her head and disappears in her classroom. 

    I sigh in relief and turn around to face Jamie who is staring at me with a hard expression.

    "Ella Ivey!" he roars.  "What are you up to?"

    Mikey and I are sitting on the two-seater in his living room looking around at everyone.  The room is unusually quiet and no one can work out why I had such a drastic change of tune about Kate. 

    "Are you not going to tell us what's happening?" Tia says, thoroughly looking at everyone in the hope that she can read the answer through their expressions. 

    "Nothing's going on," I lie.  I wish everyone would shut up about it.  I can't believe they don't believe me.  I know I'm lying, but still, they are supposed to be my best friends.

    "If you say so," Tia gives up and starts chipping the pink nail polish from her left thumbnail. 

    "Why is Giles coming?" Sofia pipes up as she detangles herself from her boyfriend's grip.  I want to throw a cushion at her.

    "Because he's my cousin and he was in the area!"  Mikey very impatiently answers back.  "What's with all the questions?"

    Silence fills the cracks once again, until they're shattered open by Tia. 

    "Isn't he the one who stalked that girl for a year?" she asks. 

    Mikey takes a deep breath before he answers. 

    "That was two years ago.  He's fine now," he tuts loudly.

    "And didn't the girl get the police involved?  She got a restraining order against him, didn't she?"  Tia continues, quite oblivious to Mikey's tone of voice, or the dagger stare he is now throwing her way. 

    I look over at Jamie who is now beginning to put two and two together.  So I look away quickly before he gets the chance to call me to another room and make me explain the entire plan. 

    "Like I said, it was two years ago," he crosses his arms and slouches back in his seat. 

    The doorbell chimes in our ears and both Mikey and I jump to answer it. 

    When we open the door both Kate and Giles are standing on the other side happily chatting to one another. 

    From the corner of my eye I can see Mikey giving me one of his famous looks of, 'I told you'. 

    "Come in," I tell both of them and they follow us to the living room. 

    Giles is exactly how I thought he would be - awkwardly charming with the ability to fly off the rails.  Just like Kate. 

    "Why don't you two sit over here," I say offering the two-seater.  "Mikey and I will just go and get some food,"

    The two of us escape to the kitchen just before Jamie gets the chance to follow us. I smile and shut the door in his face when he tries to.  He's mad at me.  That much I can tell. 

    "I'm not too sure this will work," I whisper to Mikey after I've made sure the kitchen door is firmly shut.  I wait a while until Jamie's footsteps fade away to the living room. 

    "Oh, do be quiet," he says as he spoons dips into little, round pots and pops open a bag of Doritos.  "Didn't you see how well they were getting on?"

    "I suppose,"  I'm very anxious about all this. 

    "Look, I'm telling you now.  Giles and Kate will fall madly in love with one another and you and Jamie will be rid of that psycho for good.  Trust me, I'm right,"

    The room is far too noisy when we get back.  We place the plates on the coffee table and tune in to the conversation.  But it's only Kate and Giles who are talking.  Everyone else is staring in awe at them as if it's a circus freak show. 

    I sit down on the floor next to Jamie, who puts his arm around me and pulls me closer to him.  His lips touch my ear as he whispers, "Are you trying to set them up?"

    I hesitate in answering, but I decide to just come clean.  So I nod my head ever so slightly.  I feel his arm dropping from my shoulder. 

    That action alone feels horrible - a disapproval that you did not need.  I should have stayed out of Kate's way and just got on with my life, and now I've probably wrecked my relationship. 

    I look up at Jamie's dark eyes which are flickering about the room as if he's trying his best to right my wrong.  A wave of panic rises up in me, like the sort you get when you've been given a bad exam result. 

    "I'm sorry," I tell him. 

    He turns towards me and leans his head forward.  He's about to say something but stops himself.  Instead, he ruffles his hair and smiles.  "I'm telling you now.  This won't work,"

    I'm about to argue back but he doesn't let me.

   "After this, will you please just let this entire thing go?"

    So I nod, and he kisses me softly on the lips.  I should really be more thankful that he's as understanding as he is. 

    I'm distracted by a piece of orange peel that has been thrown at me.  I look up to see Mikey in the other corner of the room mouthing something at me.  "Look at that," he seems to be saying. 

    My head flicks up and I see Kate and Giles sitting mere millimetres away from each other.  Their conversation now appears to be private.  Kate laughs hysterically from time to time, and Giles places one hand on Kate's knee.  The rest of us are completely forgotten to them. 

    I turn to Jamie with a broad smile, but he just rolls his eyes and moves away to talk to Sofia's boyfriend. 

    Mikey very quickly takes his place and we sit side by side watching our success. 

    "It appears I was right," he sips his wine. 

    "OK, OK, don't push it,"

    "I'm right once again,"

    I jokingly nudge him with my arm.

    "I should really start writing these things down.  You know, make a list of all the things I've been right about,"

    "Well, let's hope it lasts," I say as we clink our glasses. 

The Bunny Boiler - Chapter 5

April is now officially closing its curtains and thankfully for me Kate has not reared her ugly head for a while. Don't get me wrong, she's still not subtle about how she feel about me and on occasions I would find myself cornered by her, or she would stare at me from across the cafeteria of the college with a look that says 'You better not turn your back.' But, no major scenarios had yet arisen and I was fully under the impression that she had well and truly let things go (well, as much as an insane person can let things go).

    "I'll pick you up at about half twelve and then we'll drive round to Becca's, OK?" Tia states as she starts to leave for her class.
    "Yeah, sure," I wave dismissively towards her, "That's fine," and make my way to English.
    Today is my friend Becca's birthday and since her parents have left the house in her ever so capable hands, she is hosting an all day BBQ. However, I have classes pretty much all day so the plan is to drop off the presents at lunchtime and then join the party properly at the end of the day.

    I'm late for English and stumble into the classroom knocking into everyone’s seats.
    "Sit down, please," comes the impatient voice of the teacher, and I do as I'm told. I struggle with the present, unsure as where I should leave it, so it just remains on my table, the purple bow occasionally blocking the board.
I look around the classroom to see that no one is paying any attention whatsoever to the teacher. Instead they're all looking at me - well, at the present actually. I move the colourful box around the table to see if their eyes will follow its trace - and they do.
    "Is it your birthday?" a whisper floats towards me from the row behind me.
    I turn to see Danielle (of Chapter 3 fame) smiling at me, motioning towards the present.
    "Umm, no," I reply, a little worried as to whether she has a motive or not. Afterall, her and Kate are quite good friends.
    "Oh," she says and attempts another smile. After a long pause, she whispers again, "What is it?"
    "A present," I say, a little impatiently, annoyed that I have to keep twisting my neck just to talk to her.
    I hear an "Oh," and then silence. I make a few more notes about the current book we're reading (Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf, if you were interested) and listen to the teacher once more, but my concentration is broken yet again by Danielle.
    "You're going to Becca's, aren't you?" she asks with a loud whisper, which once again makes everyone turn around and look at me.
    I nod quickly and turn back around mouthing 'sorry' to the teacher.
    How did she know that?
    "I might be going too," she states. I don't even bother to turn around. "So might Kate,"
    This time I do reply and spin myself so fast around the chair that I get dizzy. "WHAT?" I pretty much yell.
    "EXCUSE ME!" the teacher shouts. "Either be quiet, or leave," he bellows.
    I remain quiet. Although my thoughts are anything but.

    Tia is waiting by her car with Mikey when I finally make my way there and without a pause we make our way to Becca's house. We're only at the bottom of her road and already we can see just how busy her house is going to be. Her entire street is filled with parked cars (abandoned, badly parked cars).
    She opens the door without us knocking and shouts out our names in elation. Clearly she's had too much to drink.
    "Happy Birthday," we chorus when we see her, and throw the presents her way. She looks genuinely excited when she sees them but after two seconds of Oooing and Aaaing, they are thrown in a pile with the others, and most likely forgotten.
    "Everyone's in the back garden," she points towards the back of the house, "And some have decided to take the party to the roof," her perfectly manicured hand now points to the ceiling and she rolls her eyes. "My mum's going to kill them if they mess up the flower pots up there,"
    We chat in the kitchen with her for a while as she makes us drinks.
    "We can only stay for another forty-five minutes, then it's back to college, I'm afraid," Mikey states, but Becca just tutts.
    "Oh, please," she begins and hands me my drink. "Everyone's been saying the same thing but as of yet no one's left,"
    "And is Jamie coming?" she turns towards me.
    "He might tonight. He has an exam on Monday and he's getting a little worked up over it," I reply.
    Becca doesn't seem phased by it. She left school at 16 and has yet not looked back. And why should she? She’s already been on a gap year around East Asia, managed to get an internship with a finance company and is now enjoying being young.
    In a way, I envy her. It would be nice not to slave over studying and exams.
    It would be splendid in fact.
    "I don't miss all that," she says, pulling a rather dissatisfied face as she takes a gulp of her drink. "More vodka, methinks," and pours half a bottle into her plastic cup.

    We head out to the back garden which is filled with people chatting, drinking and fooling around. This is nothing but a teenage bash, not some classy cocktail party, and I don't think any of us would have it any other way.
    "I'm going to the roof," I announce. I look up at the cascade of people standing over the wall of it, armed with water balloons. "I'd rather be on their side," and run to the stairs.
    "Oh dear," Tia and Mikey say in unison and both of them are now behind me, following me to the roof. The garden lot are clearly oblivious to what's about to happen. Happily, they're drinking and laughing.
    And then war breaks out.
   The three of us sit down on the patio chairs scattered around on the roof, looking at the mass of people bombarding the garden lot.
    "This is nice," I say and laugh at the excited screams that are heard from below.
    "Are you going to help out?" one of the balloon throwers asks.
    "I think you've got this covered," I say. "We need to go soon anyway,"
    He just laughs and takes two more water balloons from the pile.
    And then a blood curdling scream is heard.
    The water balloon war abruptly comes to a close and everyone is staring down at the garden. We make our way to the edge of the wall as well to witness what's happened. But we fail to see anything immediately. A few seconds later, Kate emerges in view, soaked in water, holding her left hand to her face. She screams in anger again and then looks up.
    I should have probably ducked. But I didn't. Instead, I remained transfixed on the spot looking down at her and trying my hardest not to laugh.
    "You bitch!!!" she screams when she notices me. "I'm bleeding!"
    "It wasn't me," I yell back but Kate fails to listen. She's now marching up the outside stairs coming up to the roof.
    The crowd of people part like the Red Sea when they see her coming.
    "You threw that on purpose. Look at me. I'm bleeding," she says as she takes her hand on her face.
    She's not actually bleeding - just very red where the balloon hit her.
    "Kate! I haven't thrown a single balloon!" I stand my ground but there's no point to it. Even if she believes me she still likes to blame me, so she carries on.
    "I've been nothing but nice to you considering what you did," she spits.
    "Nice? You think you've been nice?" but she doesn't listen to me. She carries on ranting.
    "I'm telling Jamie about this," she screams.
    "Tell him. He wouldn't care," I shout back.
    "He'd care if you hit me,"
    "I didn't hit you. It was a water balloon which I didn't even throw,"
    "He's believe me," she says in all seriousness.
    "And there are about 100 witnesses that would say otherwise," I wave my hand towards the crowd who are now silent, apart from the occasional whisper. "I didn't throw it at you, so please stop wasting my time," I turn to go towards Mikey and Tia. But Kate is marching towards me. It suddenly dawns on me that I'm on a roof and I honestly wouldn't put it past her to throw me over. So I move away from the edge (better to be safe that sorry).
    "I really hate you," she screams like a little girl.
    "Yes. I've gathered," I turn my back and shake my head when I see Tia and Mikey.
    And she punches me on the back of my arm.
    So I kick her on the shin.
    After she's recovered from the pain she charges towards me and within seconds a proper catfight breaks out. I've got to give it to her - at least she's determined. She tries to throw a few more punches but the boys that are now restraining her don't allow it. We finally part, and while I just catch my breath, Kate is still screaming.
    "You're insane," I tell her. "Just look at how you react to things,"
    But she doesn't listen.
    "Just leave," Becca tells Kate as she comes by my side. "Stop turning up when you're not invited,"
    "I'm always invited," she bellows like a spoilt child as she rubs her leg. I smile when I see she's quite clearly in pain (childish, I know).
    But just when we think she's about to leave, my lunges herself at the bucket of water balloons are starts throwing them towards me, one by one. Most landing on either Becca or Mikey.
    Once she's truly vented her anger, she leaves trying her best to looks composed as she holds her forehead.
    Meanwhile, the three of us are left looking like drowned rats.

    Jamie's already in Biology class on his own when I finally arrive. He's sitting down on his usual desk reading a textbook, but his eyes shift up when he sees me. He smiles momentarily but it soon fades when he sees I'm absolutely soaked. It's then replaced by a laugh.
    "What happened?" he asks shutting his book.
    I say nothing. Just give him a stern look that says 'Do you really need to ask?'
    "You've got to stay out of her way," he says sympathetically.
    I want to yell at him. I want to scream and shout with anger because this time I truly did nothing. I didn't antagonise her - I tried my best to stay out of her way, but she chose to come and blame me anyway.
    "I did nothing," I say through gritted teeth.
    I like to think he believes me, but he doesn't say anything. Sometimes I wish he would get her tantrums the same way I do. Then he would really understand just how insane she is.
    "You should have changed your clothes," he tells me as he sees water beads dropping to the carpet.
    "Becca already gave me a jumper. I'm too skinny for the rest of her clothes," I sit down and wince at the squelching sound. I can feel that Jamie wants to laugh, but he holds it. Instead, he stands up and comes over to me, stroking my wet hair away from my face and swirling it behind my ear.
    "She's crazy!" I tell him. But he just nods and edges closer, a wicked grin appearing on his face. He leans down and kisses me on the cheek, the warmth of it making me forget the annoyance of the day.
    "Promise me you'll definitely stay out of her way,"
    I want to say yes. I really do, but instead I just look at him, my head unable to nod in agreement.
    "Promise," he insists.
    "Fine," I lie.

The Bunny Boiler - Chapter 4

    "How sure are you this is her house?" Mikey whispers in my ear as the two of us are crawling along the front garden.

    "Absolutely certain, now be quiet," I tell him and edge forward a little.  To be honest with you, I'm not too sure what I'm supposed to be doing.  All I know is that last week one of my best friends had to get a pixie crop which really doesn't suit her because a certain someone decided to throw (a badly-aimed) bowl of hair removal cream.  And now I'm finding myself face down in her front garden, avoiding the flower beds so that I can get back at her.  The problem is that I'm not exactly sure how to do that.  It was a spur of the moment really.  Mikey reminded me of the incident and suddenly I flipped.  Next thing I know we're both here.  In broad daylight.  Not the best time to be sneaking about. 

    "We should really go," Mikey announces and tries to crawl the other way, but I grab his arm and stop him. 

    "No!  We're here now.  We might as well get on with it,"

    "Get on with what exactly?" he reminds me, but I ignore him.  I'm far too angry at the moment to think rationally.  I hear him mumbling something under his breath before he shuffles towards me.

    "You're insane," he hisses. 

    "Did you have to come with me?  No.  So shut it," I hiss back.  We both remain silent for a moment as I think of the next strategy.  But my brain fails me.  So we just lie there, on the damp grass like hungry snakes waiting for prey.

But it's not long until the cheerful chirping of the birds is drowned out by people talking.  Mikey and I exchange panicked glances.

    "Oh my gosh, they're coming out!" he whispers a shout.  "What the fuck are we going to do???"

    "I don't know," I tell him.  "I knew this was a bad idea," but Mikey just looks at me annoyed.  We both scramble to our feet and do a little 'panic' dance as we decide which way to go.

    "Through the back garden," Mikey pulls me, but I don't let him.

    "No, they'll see us there.  Let's just leave," and I drag him my way.  But it's too late.  We both hear the door creek open.

Please don't let it be the mother.  Please don't let it be the mother.

On the other side of it is a face I do not recognise.

    "Oh, hello," the face speaks.  "Can I help you?"

    "Hello," I begin awkwardly.  "Umm, is Kate there, please?"

    "She's just popped out.  Can I take a message at all?" the face carries on.  "I'm her sister,"  and a cheery smile is thrown our way.

    "Actually, you can," I think about this long and hard, and deep inside me I know this is going to be a bad idea, but I wanted revenge, and revenge I shall get.  "We want to be as discrete about this as possible.  We understand it's a very difficult time at the moment for your family," the words roll out.

Kate's sister just looks confused. 

    "But, we wanted to come here personally to have a sit down with Kate.  We can't imagine how scared she must be feeling,"

    "Scared about what?" Kate's sister edges forward intrigued. 

    "Oh, you don't know?" I say innocently.  I have no idea how but I can feel Mikey disapproving behind me.  "We're both nurses from the hospital.  Kate came to see us about a week ago.  Well, it turns out she's not only pregnant,"

   Kate's sisters' jaw drops ten inches.

    "she's also caught gonorrhea,"

And with that we leave.

I'm walking down the street with a smile of my face.

    "Proud of yourself?" Mikey asks once we're both out of sight.

    "Yep!"

    "You do realise that the only person Kate could have got pregnant with is Jamie.  And Jamie is now your boyfriend, so you've not only opened a can of worms for her, but also for him,"

SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!

    "You've done WHAT??" Jamie yells at me down the phone when I tell him. 

    "I'm sorry.  I panicked and just went with whatever was in my brain.  Somehow gonorrhea made its way there," I apologise.

    "Her parents are going to ring my parents!!" he suddenly sounds alarmed.

    "Of course they won't.  Kate will get back and set them straight," I try to reassure him.  "It was only meant to be a temporary solution until I think of something else-"

    "NO MORE!!" he shouts.

    "Sorry,"

    "You've just put ideas in her head, babe," Jamie continues.

    "Oh, don't be silly.  Plus, it's been 4 months since you two broke up.  She should have a balloon belly by now," I continue.  You can see why I never did well in Biology at school. 

But Jamie was absolutely right.  Psycho Kate must be a real optimist deep down because she turned this situation to her favour.  She didn't deny the pregnancy to her family.  Instead she told them it was absolutely true, and lo and behold, later that evening Kate's parents made their way to Jamie's house.  I watched from Jamie's window as Kate trailed behind them, head down, playing the victim once again. 

    "Why is she here?" Kate points at me as we all sit down in the living room.

    "I may be your child's step-mother, Kate," I say in all seriousness.  Jamie holds a laugh which comes out as a snort.

    "She'll just upset my daughter again," Kate's mum pipes up.  "Is there any real reason for her to be here," Every one's looking at me now.

    "Oh, more than you know," Jamie whispers to himself.

    "Perhaps you should go home.  It might be upsetting for you," Helen, Jamie's mum tells me.

    "Oh stop it.  She's not actually pregnant," Jamie says with a smile.  "It's a long story which I'll explain later, but trust me, there's no way she's pregnant,"

    "Of course I'm pregnant Jamie!" Kate stands up and shouts.  "And it's your child,"

I try to stand up and shout back but Jamie pulls me down before I get the chance.

    "Well, we're going to need proof," Helen says.  This isn't taken kindly by Kate's parents.  "Sorry, dear," she continues, "but we haven't heard the nicest things about you.  And, well, you were rather extravagant when you and Jamie were together,"

At this moment I want to ask Jamie to marry me, just so his mother is my mother in law. 

    "And you're not exactly showing, are you," Helen says cautiously, desperate not to upset anyone. 

    "Well, she does have a small frame," Kate's mum jumps in to defend her daughter.  But I can tell that even she is beginning to doubt it. 

    "Even so, Carol.  She would definitely begin to show by now," The two women continue to argue it out. 

Jamie and I have been left out completely, so we just talk amongst ourselves, occasionally laughing in the midst of arguments that are being thrown around the room. 

    "Do you want to leave?" he asks me with a grin. 

    "But if I leave it looks like Kate has you all to herself," I say.

    "I'm coming with you, you muppet,"

    "Oh,"

We both stand up. 

    "Right, we're off.  As fun as this has been we can't really stick around.  Lots to do," Jamie announces to the entire room.  Everyone just stares at him as if he's insane.  "Oh, and Kate.  Please refrain from sleeping with anyone just to get pregnant.  You might actually get gonorrhea,"

    "My daughter would not do that!" Kate's dad snaps.

    "Oh, your daughter would," Jamie says as he grabs his jacket.

Meanwhile, Kate has finally figured it out.  "It was YOU!!" she screams my way.  "You're the one who came round and told my sister I was pregnant!!!"

I start to look a bit uncomfortable.  I'm about to say, 'You deserved it' but Jamie stops me once again.

    "Kate, you can play this out as long as you want.  We don't care anymore, OK?"

And with that we walk out.