"How sure are you this is her house?" Mikey whispers in my ear as the two of us are crawling along the front garden.
"Absolutely certain, now be quiet," I tell him and edge forward a little. To be honest with you, I'm not too sure what I'm supposed to be doing. All I know is that last week one of my best friends had to get a pixie crop which really doesn't suit her because a certain someone decided to throw (a badly-aimed) bowl of hair removal cream. And now I'm finding myself face down in her front garden, avoiding the flower beds so that I can get back at her. The problem is that I'm not exactly sure how to do that. It was a spur of the moment really. Mikey reminded me of the incident and suddenly I flipped. Next thing I know we're both here. In broad daylight. Not the best time to be sneaking about.
"We should really go," Mikey announces and tries to crawl the other way, but I grab his arm and stop him.
"No! We're here now. We might as well get on with it,"
"Get on with what exactly?" he reminds me, but I ignore him. I'm far too angry at the moment to think rationally. I hear him mumbling something under his breath before he shuffles towards me.
"You're insane," he hisses.
"Did you have to come with me? No. So shut it," I hiss back. We both remain silent for a moment as I think of the next strategy. But my brain fails me. So we just lie there, on the damp grass like hungry snakes waiting for prey.
But it's not long until the cheerful chirping of the birds is drowned out by people talking. Mikey and I exchange panicked glances.
"Oh my gosh, they're coming out!" he whispers a shout. "What the fuck are we going to do???"
"I don't know," I tell him. "I knew this was a bad idea," but Mikey just looks at me annoyed. We both scramble to our feet and do a little 'panic' dance as we decide which way to go.
"Through the back garden," Mikey pulls me, but I don't let him.
"No, they'll see us there. Let's just leave," and I drag him my way. But it's too late. We both hear the door creek open.
Please don't let it be the mother. Please don't let it be the mother.
On the other side of it is a face I do not recognise.
"Oh, hello," the face speaks. "Can I help you?"
"Hello," I begin awkwardly. "Umm, is Kate there, please?"
"She's just popped out. Can I take a message at all?" the face carries on. "I'm her sister," and a cheery smile is thrown our way.
"Actually, you can," I think about this long and hard, and deep inside me I know this is going to be a bad idea, but I wanted revenge, and revenge I shall get. "We want to be as discrete about this as possible. We understand it's a very difficult time at the moment for your family," the words roll out.
Kate's sister just looks confused.
"But, we wanted to come here personally to have a sit down with Kate. We can't imagine how scared she must be feeling,"
"Scared about what?" Kate's sister edges forward intrigued.
"Oh, you don't know?" I say innocently. I have no idea how but I can feel Mikey disapproving behind me. "We're both nurses from the hospital. Kate came to see us about a week ago. Well, it turns out she's not only pregnant,"
Kate's sisters' jaw drops ten inches.
"she's also caught gonorrhea,"
And with that we leave.
I'm walking down the street with a smile of my face.
"Proud of yourself?" Mikey asks once we're both out of sight.
"You do realise that the only person Kate could have got pregnant with is Jamie. And Jamie is now your boyfriend, so you've not only opened a can of worms for her, but also for him,"
"You've done WHAT??" Jamie yells at me down the phone when I tell him.
"I'm sorry. I panicked and just went with whatever was in my brain. Somehow gonorrhea made its way there," I apologise.
"Her parents are going to ring my parents!!" he suddenly sounds alarmed.
"Of course they won't. Kate will get back and set them straight," I try to reassure him. "It was only meant to be a temporary solution until I think of something else-"
"NO MORE!!" he shouts.
"You've just put ideas in her head, babe," Jamie continues.
"Oh, don't be silly. Plus, it's been 4 months since you two broke up. She should have a balloon belly by now," I continue. You can see why I never did well in Biology at school.
But Jamie was absolutely right. Psycho Kate must be a real optimist deep down because she turned this situation to her favour. She didn't deny the pregnancy to her family. Instead she told them it was absolutely true, and lo and behold, later that evening Kate's parents made their way to Jamie's house. I watched from Jamie's window as Kate trailed behind them, head down, playing the victim once again.
"Why is she here?" Kate points at me as we all sit down in the living room.
"I may be your child's step-mother, Kate," I say in all seriousness. Jamie holds a laugh which comes out as a snort.
"She'll just upset my daughter again," Kate's mum pipes up. "Is there any real reason for her to be here," Every one's looking at me now.
"Oh, more than you know," Jamie whispers to himself.
"Perhaps you should go home. It might be upsetting for you," Helen, Jamie's mum tells me.
"Oh stop it. She's not actually pregnant," Jamie says with a smile. "It's a long story which I'll explain later, but trust me, there's no way she's pregnant,"
"Of course I'm pregnant Jamie!" Kate stands up and shouts. "And it's your child,"
I try to stand up and shout back but Jamie pulls me down before I get the chance.
"Well, we're going to need proof," Helen says. This isn't taken kindly by Kate's parents. "Sorry, dear," she continues, "but we haven't heard the nicest things about you. And, well, you were rather extravagant when you and Jamie were together,"
At this moment I want to ask Jamie to marry me, just so his mother is my mother in law.
"And you're not exactly showing, are you," Helen says cautiously, desperate not to upset anyone.
"Well, she does have a small frame," Kate's mum jumps in to defend her daughter. But I can tell that even she is beginning to doubt it.
"Even so, Carol. She would definitely begin to show by now," The two women continue to argue it out.
Jamie and I have been left out completely, so we just talk amongst ourselves, occasionally laughing in the midst of arguments that are being thrown around the room.
"Do you want to leave?" he asks me with a grin.
"But if I leave it looks like Kate has you all to herself," I say.
"I'm coming with you, you muppet,"
We both stand up.
"Right, we're off. As fun as this has been we can't really stick around. Lots to do," Jamie announces to the entire room. Everyone just stares at him as if he's insane. "Oh, and Kate. Please refrain from sleeping with anyone just to get pregnant. You might actually get gonorrhea,"
"My daughter would not do that!" Kate's dad snaps.
"Oh, your daughter would," Jamie says as he grabs his jacket.
Meanwhile, Kate has finally figured it out. "It was YOU!!" she screams my way. "You're the one who came round and told my sister I was pregnant!!!"
I start to look a bit uncomfortable. I'm about to say, 'You deserved it' but Jamie stops me once again.
"Kate, you can play this out as long as you want. We don't care anymore, OK?"
And with that we walk out.